Why does it Hurt so bad?

So I’ve realised it takes a village to build you up and make you feel confident but it’s often just the one person that can bring that confidence crashing down! And that’s just sad…

What the tens, hundreds or millions say about you can be shattered by one thoughtless comment or one mean remark. It’s like that little devil inside of us barely needs a drop of water to take on a monstrous form and take us over completely.

And that’s why the trolls succeed so much. I used to visit a client ever so often and despite me being at my best; I’d watch how every compliment would be followed by a quick jibe, a passing thoughtless remark or just something plain mean. I noticed it a few times but I think it really came to a head when my team asked me what was wrong with them? I honestly didn’t know. Every time they made a comment it hurt but I tried to push it aside as much as I could and eventually knew when the comment would come , so played a song in my head to dull their words!

But then the husband came up with an insightful reason (no I wasn’t bribed to compliment him :)) they did this.He said that often people chose to use hurtful words to cover up what was happening in their lives. When they chose to criticise how I looked or that I spoke with an accent- it was often a reflection of them not being happy with what they looked like or how they spoke. And when I started really listening to what they were saying I saw all their deep rooted personal issues- marriage problems, body image issues, blatant racism and insecurities. And now I have realised that perhaps that’s the way to deal with trolls.

Everyone is on a journey. When they lash out, it’s more about what’s happening with them not with you. And when you re-teach yourself to think like that the hurt is less and you too are equally careful about how you speak.

P.s. (Palat says)-: Every person I meet I try and learn something from… even the worst people you meet have something they can teach you. Learn.

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With unimaginable pain …

And as the steroids ended and my body struggled to fix itself I understood what pain and starting over truly felt like.

Steroids made me relearn how easy it is to take our body for granted. The simplest thing like taking a straight step became a chore and my body hurt in places I didn’t know could hurt at all.

But with that came respect. I began re learning movement, the joy of getting one step right– I can do about 5 now and the absolute joy of even one second of no pain.

It also made me re look at where I was and who I wanted to be and I realised with great joy that I had become the person I’d dreamed of becoming… the person in ‘if (by Rudyard Kipling)’ who learns to start over without a moment’s hesitation, who keeps on going and who is inspirational. And I was proud.

In life we all get our own personal struggles, it’s how we deal that makes us the people we are.

The weekend had 2 blocked veins – I equate it to 2 long client meetings. I had so much pain… I equate that to crazy work stress that we all often deal with. And I had sleepless , painful nights that I compare to the delays we face in work done and appreciation received.

And then I got the flu on a day we had a long, much awaited for Client meeting and woke up in a personal hell of pain and sickness. I put my ego aside and asked for help and with the strength that can only come from family (i.e. Mom), I was able to semi-recover and power on to a fabulous and rewarding day.

We all have a choice- every day, to either get up and roll with the punches or go to sleep and wait for another day. The new day may be brighter or duller- but a dull day can always become bright- it’s up to you to wake up and do the best you can with it.

We don’t get just one chance to make the day a better day. We get numerous chances. So why waste it? I was told numerous times I was doing too much and needed to recover and much as I agreed… I knew I was also getting a second chance at making things right and doing things over and re-learning.

And as much as every day hurt, I would have hurt more if I hadn’t tried.

So I get up and fight another day knowing that the world and my life is worth fighting for, knowing that it’s both the ups and downs that makes life worthwhile…and it’s because of the downs that the ups are even more special.

And so I’m off to a party filled weekend with tons of laughter and joy knowing that this will drown out the fuzziness and pain and illness and even happier that I have another day to recognise the power and awesomeness of the life we get to live.

P.s. (Palat says)-: It shouldn’t take illness or pain or steroids to learn to value all that we have… but sometimes its a good push in the right direction.

Goodbye…(To all those people and experiences who I’ve said goodbye to)

say-goodbye-french1

I really hate goodbye
They make me sad , I hate to cry
I question God and ask him why
I really hate goodbye

I don’t think it’s fair to let you go
My heart aches but I won’t say so
You made my life a better place
Without you there’s a huge empty space

My life has changed so many times
There’ve been ups and downs , diamonds and grime
And I’m not ready to change it all over again
But then again life doesn’t go to plan never tells me when

And so I hate goodbye or even see you soon
To me farewells make a person seem further than the moon
And so I mask my pain and hide my tears
I forget the love , hide all my fears

So goodbye my friend
This is the end
Of how we were and what we had been
It may seem final but that’s how it seems

I will always remember how we laughed and cried
Remember even when the sadness has died
And so I move on and love again and again
And the cycle repeats and I cry again

I really hate goodbye.

 

Confessions of a Commitment-Phobe

Commitment-phobes come in all shapes, sizes and colours…! The nicest of people when in fear of finding something meaningful and lasting become like a caged animal and attack all that is good, caring and protective suddenly…and you , who only wanted to look after and love them are suddenly snapped at, scratched and even bitten. Hurt- you retire wounded and the commitment-phobe rests in a corner ready to attack again if asked to commit!

A self confessed commitment-phobe, it took a while for my Cancerian boy to break thru all the many boundaries I set up for him. If ever he came close to asking for a commitment , I ran the other way blindly and he quickly learnt how to wait for me to get tired and stop running so I could run straight back to him.

He listened to my silly fears. He allowed me the freedom to run away never being more than an arms distance away…so when I knew it was a bad idea I could collapse into his open arms and complain about the freedom that I had demanded!

And that’s how you deal with us….!

I am Divya and I am a commitment-phobe. I am afraid of getting hurt, afraid of sharing, afraid of caring and terrified of love. But when I do care- i give you my heart and my soul. I promise you love, loyalty and trust and a life time of adventure! I won’t be tied down… but if you give me freedom, I won’t abuse it…I just need to know you trust me enough to let me go and are smart enough to realise that if you let me fly, I’ll keep flying close to you and keep checking that you’re still around to look after me, love me and stay with me.

To those who said I couldn’t

Remember when you told me I wouldn’t work again… I was scared of what you could do… but I kept trying and I kept working.

And you… you who told me that I’d never amount to much… Well to some people…I amount to their whole lives… so that’s a lot I think!

And to the ones who said I was hard hearted and would never be able to love… well you got it wrong… I am capable of more love than you can think. You were wrong for me… I was ok.

And to those who said I’d never walk again… I don’t walk. I run :)!

And those who said I won’t be able to….I did. I finished. I moved on. And I started all over again!

To those who said I can’t or I wouldn’t- I can and I did!

When you said I’d leave because it was too tough…I stayed . I learnt. I won.

When you kicked me…I got up and fought just a little bit harder.

When you hurt me…I didn’t waste time on tears… I moved on- stronger, harder and more determined.

And when I was laughed at… I laughed with you… and learnt how it felt and never did it to someone else.

For all those who called me back to tell me that they didn’t believe …I learnt to try and help you see… see the world thru my eyes.

To those who hated me- I tried to make you see me for who I am…. But if you still hate me… it’s your loss not mine. I’m a pretty awesome person (even if it’s just my husband and family who says so!)

I’ve lived. I’ve learnt. I’ve hurt. I’ve loved. I’ve fought. I’ve dreamt. I’ve had heart breaks and I’ve caused a few. But whenever a door shut… I found that if I took a moment there’d be another door wide open and waiting for me.

Thank you for teaching me that life is full of challenges….I look forward to spending the rest of mine jumping hurdles and winning the race…

You may never see me for who I am but you’ve allowed me to see how much strength , talent, love and beauty lies within me!

The face that I put on

So the writing has been irregular because i’ve just not felt well enough… With ‘The Verdict’ premiere just ’round the corner, it’s been rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal! But that’s not been what has kept me from writing….it’s just incredible and scary new life lessons I have had to learn.

  1. Everyone is an actor. Most people are 2, 3 or 4 faced…they say one thing to you, one to another and something else to a third! And it comes to them more naturally than it does for most trained actors! I was untrusting , as a person, before, but now I don’t even believe you when you give me your word or write it down!
  2. Class does not come from how much money you possess or what you wear… it’s ingrained in your value system, your thoughts and your beliefs. You can’t buy class- not even with all the money in the world.
  3. I care about myself! Every individual sole focus is themselves- NOT you! Your world might collapse…. but they will only worry if the ground under them move… else you are just extra noise…
  4. Just because I’m nice to you …doesn’t mean I’m your friend. It doesn’t even mean that i like you… People will say one thing and do exactly what they feel like. Most people can never more than acquaintances- passing breezes…!
  5. And last but not least- NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR FAMILY. When everything collapses around you, when you don’t have the will to get up and still fight to retain the ‘I don’t need help’ attitude- they are the ones who will help you when you push them away. They are the ones who make you stronger and they are the ones who make you believe in the power and strength of unconditional love.

And thru all the madness and all the ill health, I have smiled through pain and gritted teeth because of the strength my family gives to me. I didn’t ask for it. I pushed them away. I yelled at them for treating me like I was unwell and they smiled indulgently and bought me cake. When I had hours of work left, they took me kicking and screaming out to lunch. When I pulled an all-nighter and was continuing thru the day- they dragged me to bed.

The reason ‘The Verdict’ will be a success is thanks to my family.

They saw thru my smile. they saw thru my ‘I’m fine.’ They love me enough to take me tantrums and all and listen to my fears, put band-aids on the hurt and prop me up to make me the smiling person the world sees every day.

It is thanks to them- you can never tell the face that I put on.

 

When the going gets tough!

So every day isn’t your best day… every day may not be a day you are proud of…it may not be a day you care to remember…it may even be a day you can’t stop the tears.

And as the rain pours and the economy sinks , days become darker and so do outlooks and in between all of this sometimes it’s hard to keep up that cheery disposition; so I have a new theory. I celebrate the wins AND NOW I CELEBRATE the losses as well! Well not celebrate… but I go out and thank God that the hurt is over, thank God that the loss has been felt and then allow myself the POWER TO GO ON and LOOK FORWARD.

Every day is not going to be amazing but our outlook can be. So what if you face rejection, humiliation and hurt- there are days where you also feel validated, loved and empowered. And like every day’s newspaper- yesterday’s news, is just yesterday’s news…! so YESTERDAY’S BLUES SHOULD REMAIN YESTERDAY’S BLUES!

Nothing in life works to a plan…that’s the joy,the journey and the fun…so strap up you are in for a hell of a ride! Why not end a scary roller-coaster or a terrible scare in the ‘haunted house’ of life with an ice cream?

..also always remember YOU ARE BLESSED…. somewhere someone is having a rougher day than you and they may not have the strength that you have. So pat yourself on the back and GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!