The Imperfect Fit

I was never part of any clique (group)- popular or unpopular – I just didn’t belong.

I’ve never been the perfect fit anywhere I think. I’ve always been the one who is a bit too loud, a bit too ambitious, a bit ott romantic. I produced theatre for 18 years but was never arty enough. I won awards globally but then I was far too artsy. I topped school but wasn’t nerdy enough. I did ads but was never a model, acted in films but was never a film actor, never a girly girl or a tomboy. I just didn’t fit in.

And on most days, I’ve been okay about standing out… even proclaimed (bravely) that I relished being a loner… but this was one of the days where I just felt like a school girl who nobody wanted to sit with. It wasn’t even a major deal but in the company of my husband – a popular kid and a former head boy and just a person who fits perfectly everywhere and my puppy- another absolutely stellar creature who makes friends in seconds and is an absolute must at any social event 🙂 I felt like the broken training wheel of a perfect bicycle.

And so sadly I went up to my (much) better half (yes, I was in one of those self sacrificing, sad moods) and asked him how we worked; he seemed bewildered by the question. In his eyes, I am the ‘don’t care a damn’ fighter chick, who’ll take on any person/challenge head on and win! I’m the person who loves with all my heart, will fight with all my soul and will never shy away from any thing or any one. In his eyes, where everyone works so hard at trying to fit in, to be loved , to be heard– he loved that I was an honest perfect fit. “With you,” he said “everyone knows who they’ve got! There’s no pretence just truth” He also , and I say this knowing he’ll read my blog and go the perfect shade of tomato; said, he wanted to be more like me sometimes!

That got me thinking, were we all worried we didn’t fit in perfectly, and was fit that important? I mean just because we didn’t fit within our own idea of what the perfect fit was… did that really make a difference? I mean in my oddball, weird way, I seem to fit perfectly with my more popular family members. In fact I was more often than not the head of this enviable clique! And wasn’t that the point of cliques anyway- to find a place for you to belong? And if I do belong with my peeps… did I really need more cliques?

Satisfied that I was indeed with the best group created ever, I looked around. We’re all trying to fit in and find place for ourselves in this crazy, mad, over filled world. But if we just stop for a moment and ensure that who we are fits perfectly with how we feel and what we believe and then find people who like us for our honest selves- then we’ve actually beat the system and we’ve actually found our perfect ‘fits.’

P.s. (Palat says)-: Look for the work or friend groups that let you be exactly who you are ;that way you’ll never be out of fit or out of style!

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To those who said I couldn’t

Remember when you told me I wouldn’t work again… I was scared of what you could do… but I kept trying and I kept working.

And you… you who told me that I’d never amount to much… Well to some people…I amount to their whole lives… so that’s a lot I think!

And to the ones who said I was hard hearted and would never be able to love… well you got it wrong… I am capable of more love than you can think. You were wrong for me… I was ok.

And to those who said I’d never walk again… I don’t walk. I run :)!

And those who said I won’t be able to….I did. I finished. I moved on. And I started all over again!

To those who said I can’t or I wouldn’t- I can and I did!

When you said I’d leave because it was too tough…I stayed . I learnt. I won.

When you kicked me…I got up and fought just a little bit harder.

When you hurt me…I didn’t waste time on tears… I moved on- stronger, harder and more determined.

And when I was laughed at… I laughed with you… and learnt how it felt and never did it to someone else.

For all those who called me back to tell me that they didn’t believe …I learnt to try and help you see… see the world thru my eyes.

To those who hated me- I tried to make you see me for who I am…. But if you still hate me… it’s your loss not mine. I’m a pretty awesome person (even if it’s just my husband and family who says so!)

I’ve lived. I’ve learnt. I’ve hurt. I’ve loved. I’ve fought. I’ve dreamt. I’ve had heart breaks and I’ve caused a few. But whenever a door shut… I found that if I took a moment there’d be another door wide open and waiting for me.

Thank you for teaching me that life is full of challenges….I look forward to spending the rest of mine jumping hurdles and winning the race…

You may never see me for who I am but you’ve allowed me to see how much strength , talent, love and beauty lies within me!

i love you. i hate you.

Those petty fights.

Who was wrong? Who was right?

You took too long on saying I love you. You think I’m fat? You don’t buy me anything. You forgot my birthday/ our date/ to meet me.

Who was wrong? Who was right?

Those petty fights.

You don’t care about me. You don’t listen. You shout too much. You nag to much. I hate your friends. You hate my drinking/ football/ work/ late nights.

Who was wrong? Who was right?

Those petty fights.

You left me alone. You yelled. You talked to her. I hate your ex. You hate my mom. I hate this car. I hate your hair. You hate my dress. You hate everything I wear.

Who was wrong? Who was right?

Those petty fights.

Every moment could be our last. Do we really want to go fighting or being fought with?Is it really important? Is that what we really mean to say?

I love you. I’m sorry. I tried. I mean well. You inspire me. You challenge me. I must be better for you.

Please. Love me. Thank you.

 

Would you still love me if you knew me?

 

I am a bundle of contradictions. I am stubborn, bull headed , hard nosed and appear very all-together but I cry during every episode of X factor and most episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I hate mornings,love evenings. I hate the cold but love the snow! I love the beach and sea but have to have a shower before getting in and minutes after getting out! I’m a neat freak and obsessive compulsive over so many things!I love the madness and excitement of vacations but have to plan every hour of my vacation in my head and then make colour coded lists and file it just for me to have fun. I love fun but like for it to be scheduled fun! I’m angry, soft-hearted, a worry-wart and at the same time impetuous!

Would you still love me if you knew me?

All of us have so many amazing qualities and at the same time so many qualities that are just downright annoying. When you are in a relationship or have found a partner who will tolerate the good with the bad- hold on to them! As amazing as you think you are ,have several qualities that maybe just a little less amazing ! If they can look past your bad and highlight your good- they are a keeper!

I often find friends who say “He/she is amazing…but…” There will always be a but…BUT guess what in your list of attributes there’s a ‘but’ there as well! And if they can look past that surely you can see past their seemingly annoying qualities!

Some qualities are non-negotiables though. If their bad quality is an addiction (alcohol, drugs etc)- leave them. Help them get help and leave them! Let them be helped by professionals and then re-look at the relationship only when you have also understood how much work will go in to having a relationship with an addict. If they abuse you (physically or verbally) – LEAVE! They need help and you don’t need to be a punching bag so leave…When they say ’till death do us part…’ they don’t mean for your partner to actually kill you.

Don’t look for your romantic movie hero/ heroine cause he might be right in front of you. He / she may not come up on a horse or have violins playing in the background every time you see them but remember movies end and reality starts and if you see the person you’re with as the romantic lead in your life, your movie will always have a happily ever after!

So beyond the non-negotiables…if your partner is not neat, is a mountain person, snores a bit or leaves empty dishes in the fridge…remember you’re not perfect either…so cut him some slack and take a second to enjoy the fact that you are loved – by another person and he/ she loves you just the way you are, because of the way you are!

And in one moment it changed aka I am nothing without you!

And now I turn to you and see,

That you’re the one for me…!

You were there from the start…

You always knew my heart…

And when even I didn’t believe, you showed me the way,

You promised you would stay…every night and every day…!

And I didn’t see your truth, didn’t know my place,

You walked by my side…life isn’t a stupid race….

And now as I come to the end…you’re still holding on…

And then I turn; And see you’re gone…

You’ve left my hand, you let me win…

You are out and I am in.

You are at the finish line, waiting for me…

You smile and stare and then I see,

You were right there all along,

Keeping me safe, keeping me strong,

You make me a better version of who I want to be,

You love me now till eternity,

And now I see you for who you are…

You’re my sun, my moon, my world, MY STAR!

I run to finish, run to you,

Cos now I see- I am nothing without you.