Why does it Hurt so bad?

So I’ve realised it takes a village to build you up and make you feel confident but it’s often just the one person that can bring that confidence crashing down! And that’s just sad…

What the tens, hundreds or millions say about you can be shattered by one thoughtless comment or one mean remark. It’s like that little devil inside of us barely needs a drop of water to take on a monstrous form and take us over completely.

And that’s why the trolls succeed so much. I used to visit a client ever so often and despite me being at my best; I’d watch how every compliment would be followed by a quick jibe, a passing thoughtless remark or just something plain mean. I noticed it a few times but I think it really came to a head when my team asked me what was wrong with them? I honestly didn’t know. Every time they made a comment it hurt but I tried to push it aside as much as I could and eventually knew when the comment would come , so played a song in my head to dull their words!

But then the husband came up with an insightful reason (no I wasn’t bribed to compliment him :)) they did this.He said that often people chose to use hurtful words to cover up what was happening in their lives. When they chose to criticise how I looked or that I spoke with an accent- it was often a reflection of them not being happy with what they looked like or how they spoke. And when I started really listening to what they were saying I saw all their deep rooted personal issues- marriage problems, body image issues, blatant racism and insecurities. And now I have realised that perhaps that’s the way to deal with trolls.

Everyone is on a journey. When they lash out, it’s more about what’s happening with them not with you. And when you re-teach yourself to think like that the hurt is less and you too are equally careful about how you speak.

P.s. (Palat says)-: Every person I meet I try and learn something from… even the worst people you meet have something they can teach you. Learn.

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Happy Birthday Aditya! Thank you for being mine :)

divya aditya-pangkor laut

Happy Birthday to my my husband, my life partner and most importantly to my best friend!

Aditya and I met years ago (he remembers the exact date) during the only Malhar Festival I participated in… He can tell you what I wore and where we were standing…I can only tell you that he was gorgeous then and even more handsome now! Aditya is everything I’m not- he’s polite, balanced, relatively calm and composed and well just all ’round a really nice guy!

Over our years of friendship and now marriage, I have met so many people who have known him from school, college or football and the one thing they all seem to have in common…is that they like him very much and respect him.

I love that. It’s wonderful to think that you have an amazing man by your side….but when so many others say the same… it just makes me beam with pride.

Everyone who knows us knows that Aditya proposed to me when I was in hospital, just diagnosed with ADEM. With left side paralysis, an incurable disease and on steroids – I was the last person you’d expect to be making marriage plans with. But Aditya saw what I didn’t see….he saw promise, he saw hope, he saw me and with his eyes I learnt to see me the way he did! He’s the best person in a crisis, the calmest person in the hospital and an absolute pillar of strength during any ill health (tho like my friend Michael says…”With you and your health, he has no option but to be calm!”)

Thank you Aditya. You are my favourite person to talk to, fight with, argue with,chat with, watch movies with, gossip with,watch TV show marathons with and do plays with!

You’re still the person who chooses my favourite pair of shoes; who fixes my belt on my jeans (yes Gaurav I’ve put that in…cos he does ;)), who loves me exactly the way I am- loud, a touch too honest,highly emotional and always stressed. You never asked me to change and seem to enjoy my erratic craziness.

You’ve taught me the value of a great friendship, the fun in a good debate and that we don’t need a million people around us to have the best time- we just need each other (and Cookie :))!

Sorry for all the times you were right… but you let me win any way… because I am NEVER WRONG :)!  (Since this apology only comes once a year…on the birthday…you might as well take it!)!

Thank you for being the best thing in my life ( yup you are better then a cup of coffee for me (for those who know me…that’s a very high compliment)).

I love you.

Aditya Hitkari. Express photo by Prashant Nadkar, Mumbai. 05/07/2006

p.s.- had to include you with pictures of your 2 girls… cos well both of us (cookie included) wanted to be a part of your birthday post 🙂

The ‘other’ woman!

Last night at a friends home, we got to discussing the ‘other’ woman! Another friend (an interior designer) was doing up a client’s house (his home with his wife) and his mistress’ home (his home with her!)! my friend said that it was always so shocking to her to have to keep so many secrets especially since he was often in one home and then later in the next! Surely the wife knew. She even suspected that the wife may have even confronted him. Why then did she keep quiet about it?

Arbitrage , the movie I watched over the weekend also covered the infidelity in a relationship in a seemingly happy marriage!

It’s a tricky thing when you marry looking at the relationship as a business transaction. It’s a tricky thing when your husband is the ATM and you love your shoes, your designer bags and your luxury vacations. It’s a tricky thing when you look at marriage like a balance sheet and the find it easier to balance emotions with money as opposed to having to actually deal with that emotion!

So when there was no love is it worth giving up the first class flights because your husband is having a bit of fun on the side….I mean there is fun attached to long spa afternoons and limitless shopping sprees and that might make the unfaithful lout ‘worth it’ in your head! And if both parties looked at their ‘marriage’ as an arrangement and each lived their own lives who were we to sit and try and moralize the relationship?

Then there are ‘the gay but married and trapped.’ Some of them are also finding their own voice now and being strong enough to come out of the closet but is their better half equally brave or would she like to keep the home, the closet and the sham of a loving relationship just to keep being Mrs So-and so?

I’ve realised that each relationship is different and though couture benefits with a healthy bank balance, the soul benefits with a healthy amount of love! Love may not pay the bills today but it gives you a bright and cheerful home and a pair of strong and loving arms.

What are you looking for? There is no right and wrong answer…!

But when the ATM you’ve been living with shuts shop and goes after love- don’t pretend that it’s a shock to you and don’t waste time on tears. You knew what you were getting into so get real or demand more!

 

ps-: i love you ADITYA!

i still remember this day 5 years ago. i was crying incessantly after a sleepless night and the makeup just wouldn’t stick with the tears. ravi, the makeup dada kept trying to pacify me saying ” he’s a good guy…don’t worry!” and yet the tears kept flowing…

i have no idea why i kept weeping but the idea in indian society of the girl leaving her home is so prevalent and my love for soapy hindi love stories so incredible; that it just seemed the right thing to do and the only way weddings were started! my eyes didn’t dry till much later that evening where after 2 weddings and lots of kibbe from souk at the taj i collapsed in an exhausted heap in to bed!

i didn’t want to be married. i was still commitment phobic and it still took me almost 8-9 months to introduce you as my husband….i just said …and “that’s my…..–aditya”- when being asked to introduce you!

cut to 5 years earlier where you first asked me to date you…my only question was if that would be exclusive? if it were to be exclusive , i would have to only go out with you…would that really even work???

i was a commitment-phobe and you were my best friend. i had loads of boys after me…but very few who were as important to me as you were…did i really want to risk that?? i was bad at relationships but a really good friend…i was scared!

cut to 5 years prior to that. i had never laid eyes on you but heard about you as mr. sydenham and a hottie. you were competition in a theatre festival during malhar. you walked up to me in the middle of the quad and said ” hi,i’m aditya. and you have beautiful eyes!”

i remember glowering at you for trying to get my defences down. i remember scurrying away shielding myself from random women glaring angrily at me wanting to scream out- ” i don’t know him…he’s competition… p.s.- i may even hate him!”

it’s been 15 years and you’ve stuck it out with me through my madness ( which there is a lot), my commitment phobia (which doesn’t seem to bother you) and my bluntness (which i seem to be proud of cos i never seem to change)—and these are my positive qualities!

so today on our 5th anniversary i must say…i didn’t wake up crying. i’m very much exclusive and  i’m proud that you are my husband. we’ve been through many downs together and we’ve made highs of some awful lows. i never thought it’s be wise to date my best friend , forget marry him… but you seemed to know what we were doing and i’m glad i trusted one person ( YOU!) with my life!

you make me a better person…you make me smile more…you make me laugh more… you made me learn how to love!

and i…..

well i…keep your life interesting 😉

here’s to the next 100!

and ps-: i love you!

marriage–my views!

so been getting lots of posts and tweets regarding my views on marriage….some feel that i think (after the amount of advice i give;-) ) that it’s too tough…others ask if i’m anti-marriage or for love and still others ask if i love the concept of love too much and therefore love the concept rather than the actual thing!!!

so i’ve decided to put speculation to rest…for myself and for the rest! i was and have always been commitment phobic…anyone who knows me knows the only thing i was more scared of than marriage was children  (any child) and birds (well ….that’s another story entirely!)…but when i got sick and paralyzed i was scared that i may never experience the comfortability of holding hands, of coming home to someone , of  just being able to be with someone and so when my ‘knight in office-wear’ (aditya) proposed i accepted as  i thought it was important to go thru as many life experiences as i could before (God- forbid) i got back in hospital again…

since then i approached marriage as a journey, a life lesson and an experience and i believe i have lived through it…

marriage is about making mistakes and finding someone to forgive you. it’s about going the wrong way knowing your lost and still going along because it’s ok if the 2 of you are lost together. it’s about fights and tears and laughing over spilt milk…. it’s about learning together. it’s about growing together and give and take…it’s about knowing that every day won’t be perfect…but it’s pretty awesome finding someone who’ll smile for you when you get home…it’s about having dreams and having a partner in crime fueling your madness and even when you come crashing down to the hard, cold ground…it’s about your partner pushing you back up and re-convincing you to be mad all over again!

days won’t be perfect when your married…but then perfection is sometimes over-rated…you are going to have to learn to share when you’re married; but then again, you share the tough times and the tears as well!

in an instant world – don’t look for an instant match… wait for him/ her. search for true love. when you find true love…don’t expect it to be perfect…remember he/she needs only to be perfect for YOU!

THINGS THAT EVERY COUPLE MUST DO ( and no….I don’t mean the obvious!)

so being a couple is fun for all the obvious reasons…yes i mean what you think i mean– cuddling ( get your minds out of the gutter people!!!)…but its often very very important to see if you are more than just great looking people who are attracted to each other!  if your partner and you have done / can do most of what’s below–well then i think its meant for keeps….

  1. GO ON COFFEE DATES TOGETHER (JUST THE 2 OF YOU!)– Now I know you think this is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay to easy but think about it..everyone looks more attractive in dim lights and under kilos of make up and then again, having a few drinks makes some of the most uninteresting people fun, to themselves and to us! Hanging out with friends also gives you only snippets of conversations with your beau….leaving you wanting for more…so test it out -go on a one-on-one with him / her in the day and find out how he/ she really looks and whether their that fun sober and most importantly whether when there’s no loud music and screaming people…whether the 2 of you actually have things to talk about!
  2. GET TO KNOW THEIR FAMILY–  A huge part of who a person is…depends on how he was raised. Get to know his/ her family…Like them/ hate them…see how important he/ she is to them or what he/ she has learnt from them and a huge part of a puzzle will be solved. else there’ll always be a big chunk of the puzzle missing and trust me…this piece is the heart of the puzzle…it’s who he/she is… You don’t want to leave it till the end!
  3. TALK ABOUT MONEY- The biggest reasons for break ups is money…so if you r getting serious start figuring out if and when you move to the next stage how money is going to work…who’s going to spend and how much and what everyone’s expectations are…lay it out!
  4. SAY I LOVE YOU AND MEAN IT– For some..saying ‘ i love you ‘ is not a big deal….Know when you mean it…It’ll be when you feel it in every pore of your being…Unless you both feel this way….one of you will always be looking!
  5. VACATION TOGETHER- are you a beach person and him a snow lover? does he love cities and do you need down time…. can you vacation together without wanting to kill each other?? a toughie….cos vacations is when we need to relax and want to relax. can you do down time WITH your partner or does he/she invade your space?
  6. GO THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH– Now here I am not saying that you have to go through a rough patch asap or NOW! But what I am trying to say is that its important that you understand how your partner and you go through a rough patch..because in life there will be several ups and downs… and its important to know how you BOTH deal with a down! Are you / him a partner in fair weather…HERE JUST ASKING SOMEONE DOESN’T WORK….you have to go thru it!go thru a bad together and make it still work for you!
  7. FIGHT– a really good and proper fight and make up and get through it! That shows you that you can retain your individuality and not care that the other person will leave you over an argument…Love is stronger than arguments and marriage is more than just a couple of fights!
  8. PLAN THE FUTURE – what do you want ? what does your partner want? are they both very, very different?
  9. DO NOTHING– So there will be evening where you both don’t have anything to do…no dates, no parties, no dinners….just you….! Can you both do nothing together?
  10. CHECK THE LIST–  Every one of us had an ideal person that we thought we’d be looking for…put the qualities of that imaginary person ( BUT BE REAL IN YOUR DESIRES…I MEAN YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO GET SOMEONE WHO HAS A FATHER RICHER THAN DONALD TRUMP & WHO HAS A HOTTER BIKINI BOD THAN PAM ANDERSON DID!) and weigh your  current against the negotiables (physical attributes) and the non-negotiables (character/qualities/work/family/money/religious beliefs/family ideals etc) and see if you’ve got a good match….if you have move heaven and hell to make it work!

…on a totally different note….rehearsals for sunday’s show have started and we are currently starting a campaign against one of the actor’s… SANKET BRUSH YOUR TEETH….with your own tooth brush… (don’t even ask!) your support will be greatly appreciated!

relationship 101 ( fact, fiction and complete myths!)

CHEATING IS NOT OKAY!

i had a friend who was once advised by her mom’s friend that well ‘ all men cheat and now that she was getting married , she must learn to accept it!

cheating is not okay. all men do not cheat. all women do not cheat. you should not be in a committed relationship if you think cheating is not a big issue!

ALL WOMEN DO NOT WISH TO RUN TO THE ALTAR IMMEDIATELY!

…in fact several women are commitment-phobes! so…just because we’re in a relationship with you doesn’t mean we want to get married tomorrow!…you still have to woo us, propose to us and then….. we have to say ‘yes!’

GETTING MARRIED WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING!

the first year of marriage is the roughest…once you weather that..it gets easier…but definitely DO NOT think that marriage will solve problems…in fact there will be so many things that crop up about your partner; it will only add to grievances/ issues you already had…. so fix the problems and kinks….then decide on a date and then get married! fix problems first!

DATING IS FUN FOREVER!

…it is for a bit… it is incredible and a high….but there;s nothing better than knowing you HAVE A DATE , every day any day! AND YOU CHOSE HIM/ HER!

I MUST BE COMPLETELY HONEST….ABOUT EVERYTHING!

…Tell your partner about the important stuff….medical stuff, some past girl friends/ boy friends….but know when your just saying things to hurt your partner or put him/her down. deal with some stuff on your own…you’re not perfect….your partner knows that…just make sure your telling them things that are relevant to your current relationship and not something to make them feel bad about themselves!

MARRIAGE IS A COMPROMISE!

if you’re using the word compromise then…you want to seriously reconsider your relationship…whatever you are giving up to be with your partner should be not something that important that you think it as ‘compromising’ on something!…marriage must make you add to your talents not subtract them!

LOVE IS ALL ABOUT THE DRAMA!

sure drama is wonderful…but if all you are doing is crying and pining….then GET OUT! love is about the laughter and fun. it’s about giggling and cuddling…it’s happy, it’s safe,it’s light!

HE HIT ME BUT HE WAS REALLY SORRY!

GET OUT! NOW! he needs help … abusers always try and woo their ‘prey’ ( and i use this word to give you an idea of who you are to him) back…! so get out! he needs to get help! stop being his punching bag! BUT YOU NEED TO GET OUT NOW!

KIDS WILL MAKE THE MARRIAGE STRONGER

not necessarily…if your marriage has problems …fix them first before you bring in a child…having a child will only add responsibilities and problems don’t disappear -they need to be dealt with! don’t try and make an infant your shrink….! work your problems out , then start a family!

…do write in with some of your own 101 advice or even issues…let’s blog…talk about it!