Silent Tears

Disclaimer-: Sorry for the self absorbed , soppy post…I needed to write and needed to vent and needed to process…this is my personal diary and my outlet for me to remember what happens in my life- good or bad!

All is fine. And all else will be… I’m positive.

 

I cry when you disregard my opinions or walk past me pretending I don’t exist.

I cry when you are rude to me and you didn’t even know it…because that’s how self absorbed you are.

I cry when I’m so tired but need to go on and on and on without a complaint.

I cry when I’m being forced in to a corner with nowhere to escape.

I cry when I’m so scared , I’ve dried up inside.

I cry when I hear of rape and pain and injustice and people who died.

I cry when I hear of the submariners who died…alone in the cold of the night.

I cry when I am diagnosed with something so scary and can’t even process the fear…

I cry. I cry. I cry.

All silent tears.

And yet when you meet me…I smile… because that’s who I am.

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Raping me.

I am your sister, your wife, your mother, your friend. I am your conscience, your feelings, your creativity, your inner most thoughts. I am your blood, your hair, your eyes, your soul. I am all that you have and all that you need. I am you.

You exist because of me. You live because I give you life. You dream because I dream with you. When you are lost , I help you find your way. You need me. You need my love. You need my care. You need me.

And then I am raped and beaten and left to die. Left on a street – naked and uncovered, I am left to choke on my own blood and tears and you pass me by. You are stronger than me but don’t bother to pick me up. You are louder than me , but don’t bother to shout. You can run faster than me but don’t run to get help. Instead you walk over me like you would a speed bump, avoid me like you would garbage and pretend not to notice me like I’m invisible.

And this happens every day, every where, all the time and we get so used to it… we stop wondering if the headlines are ever going to change. We wander around like deer in a city full of predators, except than unlike in the jungle where the predator will just kill you for food- his necessity for life… here the predators- Man will rape you, humiliate and demean you and then leave you for dead. This is not a need. He doesn’t need to rape you to survive. He just does it for sport!

Rape is not a sport. It shouldn’t be a video game. It shouldn’t be. And yet it is.

And when we protest, once again you beat us. we stand unarmed- begging for justice for one of our own and you lathi charge us and wear us down with water canons.

Are we that dangerous? Did our words hurt, humiliate or demean you? Did it, God forbid, rape you?!

No. That was us. We were raped. And then we were not allowed to complain.

To all my women friends… the men don’t care. They are not going to change or help in any way.Let’s look after ourselves and be safe. Let’s move in groups and be unafraid to yell, scream and run if we have the slightest feeling of danger…Pepper spray, karate, self defense- let’s stop looking at men to protect us. Let’s protect ourselves.

Men if you think you can protect us. Start. Start by castrating those bastards!

 

Take a Chance on Change!

To start over…something must end. To say hello… sometimes we have to say goodbye.To laugh again…sometimes we need to have cried!

Divya Palat 

It’s so hard when things are over when we just keep holding on! I realised this when I produced my first set of shows and the run was complete and as everyone was about to go on stage , I was bawling in the bathroom not willing to let go. Since then ,it’s been 10 years and it’s still hard; but the public display of tears has significantly reduced and I’m learning to let go of incredible shows, amazing experiences and new found family to make way for even more incredible moments!

A lot of my girl friends are the same with relationships. Trapped with bad boyfriends, terrible husbands, abusive relationships- they aren’t even having a great time- but they’re scared of letting go- what if there’s nothing amazing in store for them next? What if this is as good as it gets? A friend of mine stayed with his cheating boy friend just because she was too afraid to actually go out and find someone again. “It’s too hard,” she told me ..”to start over!”

But even if we’re unwilling to change, scared to let go and holding on with all we’ve got- Life is way faster, smarter and trickier than all of us! Sometimes despite all our ‘clingy’ efforts , we’re going to have to change, have to let go, have to start over! And maybe the new is scary but may be it’s what we needed all along.

A perfect planner, I hated to lose control till I got sick and then paralysed and then suddenly had to allow nurses, doctors and family control of my choices, my life, my body! Suddenly in a moment, all that I was clinging to- my ridiculous plans, my naive thoughts on my career progress and my life ambitions had to be re-thought, re assessed and restarted overnight! And when you stop fearing the future and embrace the change then suddenly Life is an adventure and you can be part of an incredible journey. Had I resisted change, Balancing Act Productions (my company) would not be in it’s tenth year , I would not be married to my soulmate and best friend, and I’d never have walked again.

Sometimes Change makes all the right choices you were just too scared to make! Sometimes Change gets it right!

Trust!

ps-: i love you ADITYA!

i still remember this day 5 years ago. i was crying incessantly after a sleepless night and the makeup just wouldn’t stick with the tears. ravi, the makeup dada kept trying to pacify me saying ” he’s a good guy…don’t worry!” and yet the tears kept flowing…

i have no idea why i kept weeping but the idea in indian society of the girl leaving her home is so prevalent and my love for soapy hindi love stories so incredible; that it just seemed the right thing to do and the only way weddings were started! my eyes didn’t dry till much later that evening where after 2 weddings and lots of kibbe from souk at the taj i collapsed in an exhausted heap in to bed!

i didn’t want to be married. i was still commitment phobic and it still took me almost 8-9 months to introduce you as my husband….i just said …and “that’s my…..–aditya”- when being asked to introduce you!

cut to 5 years earlier where you first asked me to date you…my only question was if that would be exclusive? if it were to be exclusive , i would have to only go out with you…would that really even work???

i was a commitment-phobe and you were my best friend. i had loads of boys after me…but very few who were as important to me as you were…did i really want to risk that?? i was bad at relationships but a really good friend…i was scared!

cut to 5 years prior to that. i had never laid eyes on you but heard about you as mr. sydenham and a hottie. you were competition in a theatre festival during malhar. you walked up to me in the middle of the quad and said ” hi,i’m aditya. and you have beautiful eyes!”

i remember glowering at you for trying to get my defences down. i remember scurrying away shielding myself from random women glaring angrily at me wanting to scream out- ” i don’t know him…he’s competition… p.s.- i may even hate him!”

it’s been 15 years and you’ve stuck it out with me through my madness ( which there is a lot), my commitment phobia (which doesn’t seem to bother you) and my bluntness (which i seem to be proud of cos i never seem to change)—and these are my positive qualities!

so today on our 5th anniversary i must say…i didn’t wake up crying. i’m very much exclusive and  i’m proud that you are my husband. we’ve been through many downs together and we’ve made highs of some awful lows. i never thought it’s be wise to date my best friend , forget marry him… but you seemed to know what we were doing and i’m glad i trusted one person ( YOU!) with my life!

you make me a better person…you make me smile more…you make me laugh more… you made me learn how to love!

and i…..

well i…keep your life interesting 😉

here’s to the next 100!

and ps-: i love you!

marriage–my views!

so been getting lots of posts and tweets regarding my views on marriage….some feel that i think (after the amount of advice i give;-) ) that it’s too tough…others ask if i’m anti-marriage or for love and still others ask if i love the concept of love too much and therefore love the concept rather than the actual thing!!!

so i’ve decided to put speculation to rest…for myself and for the rest! i was and have always been commitment phobic…anyone who knows me knows the only thing i was more scared of than marriage was children  (any child) and birds (well ….that’s another story entirely!)…but when i got sick and paralyzed i was scared that i may never experience the comfortability of holding hands, of coming home to someone , of  just being able to be with someone and so when my ‘knight in office-wear’ (aditya) proposed i accepted as  i thought it was important to go thru as many life experiences as i could before (God- forbid) i got back in hospital again…

since then i approached marriage as a journey, a life lesson and an experience and i believe i have lived through it…

marriage is about making mistakes and finding someone to forgive you. it’s about going the wrong way knowing your lost and still going along because it’s ok if the 2 of you are lost together. it’s about fights and tears and laughing over spilt milk…. it’s about learning together. it’s about growing together and give and take…it’s about knowing that every day won’t be perfect…but it’s pretty awesome finding someone who’ll smile for you when you get home…it’s about having dreams and having a partner in crime fueling your madness and even when you come crashing down to the hard, cold ground…it’s about your partner pushing you back up and re-convincing you to be mad all over again!

days won’t be perfect when your married…but then perfection is sometimes over-rated…you are going to have to learn to share when you’re married; but then again, you share the tough times and the tears as well!

in an instant world – don’t look for an instant match… wait for him/ her. search for true love. when you find true love…don’t expect it to be perfect…remember he/she needs only to be perfect for YOU!