With unimaginable pain …

And as the steroids ended and my body struggled to fix itself I understood what pain and starting over truly felt like.

Steroids made me relearn how easy it is to take our body for granted. The simplest thing like taking a straight step became a chore and my body hurt in places I didn’t know could hurt at all.

But with that came respect. I began re learning movement, the joy of getting one step right– I can do about 5 now and the absolute joy of even one second of no pain.

It also made me re look at where I was and who I wanted to be and I realised with great joy that I had become the person I’d dreamed of becoming… the person in ‘if (by Rudyard Kipling)’ who learns to start over without a moment’s hesitation, who keeps on going and who is inspirational. And I was proud.

In life we all get our own personal struggles, it’s how we deal that makes us the people we are.

The weekend had 2 blocked veins – I equate it to 2 long client meetings. I had so much pain… I equate that to crazy work stress that we all often deal with. And I had sleepless , painful nights that I compare to the delays we face in work done and appreciation received.

And then I got the flu on a day we had a long, much awaited for Client meeting and woke up in a personal hell of pain and sickness. I put my ego aside and asked for help and with the strength that can only come from family (i.e. Mom), I was able to semi-recover and power on to a fabulous and rewarding day.

We all have a choice- every day, to either get up and roll with the punches or go to sleep and wait for another day. The new day may be brighter or duller- but a dull day can always become bright- it’s up to you to wake up and do the best you can with it.

We don’t get just one chance to make the day a better day. We get numerous chances. So why waste it? I was told numerous times I was doing too much and needed to recover and much as I agreed… I knew I was also getting a second chance at making things right and doing things over and re-learning.

And as much as every day hurt, I would have hurt more if I hadn’t tried.

So I get up and fight another day knowing that the world and my life is worth fighting for, knowing that it’s both the ups and downs that makes life worthwhile…and it’s because of the downs that the ups are even more special.

And so I’m off to a party filled weekend with tons of laughter and joy knowing that this will drown out the fuzziness and pain and illness and even happier that I have another day to recognise the power and awesomeness of the life we get to live.

P.s. (Palat says)-: It shouldn’t take illness or pain or steroids to learn to value all that we have… but sometimes its a good push in the right direction.

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When It Pains…

So not much is told to anyone suffering from Multiple Sclerosis… you seem to be part of a secret society where the rules are different for each one of us. But unlike a secret society, we don’t meet at exotic, interesting locations… we usually end up in a hospital- easily one of the most boring, depressing places on earth!

So yesterday was an MS night which means more than anything, I’m in tons of pain, I’m cranky as heck and the majority of my conversations have me doubling up in pain…

Hospital was not an option for me yesterday; so we worked on changing my mood…And I think that just really is the ultimate lesson.

A day is what you want it to be. A day is what you focus on. A day will be filled with multiple distractions- for me it was pain… but you can choose what you want your day to be about… For me it was about laughing with my family, re- decorating a room, getting pampered by my husband and puppy and watching a fun episode of ‘Bull.’

I had fun evening, a relaxed night and thanks to all the love- I woke up stronger to take on today…

Pain – Be Damned. With my team, you’ve got nothin on me!

P.s. (Palat says)-: Find your team, and hold them close… they’re better than the best medication! Also 4 months to the birthday! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!

Goodbye…(To all those people and experiences who I’ve said goodbye to)

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I really hate goodbye
They make me sad , I hate to cry
I question God and ask him why
I really hate goodbye

I don’t think it’s fair to let you go
My heart aches but I won’t say so
You made my life a better place
Without you there’s a huge empty space

My life has changed so many times
There’ve been ups and downs , diamonds and grime
And I’m not ready to change it all over again
But then again life doesn’t go to plan never tells me when

And so I hate goodbye or even see you soon
To me farewells make a person seem further than the moon
And so I mask my pain and hide my tears
I forget the love , hide all my fears

So goodbye my friend
This is the end
Of how we were and what we had been
It may seem final but that’s how it seems

I will always remember how we laughed and cried
Remember even when the sadness has died
And so I move on and love again and again
And the cycle repeats and I cry again

I really hate goodbye.

 

And the year happened

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And it’s the same time of year that I usually love.. there are carols in the air, a slight nip, buying and gifting of presents and glorious xmas and new year plans – everything is the same and yet everything is completely different.

This year tried me in ways I could not have imagined and though the strength of a person is defined by how they come out in difficult situations, I must say there were moments I didn’t trust my strength- I didn’t even trust myself. I just went on.

And strength came- from expected and unexpected quarters. They say God only gives you all that you can handle. He also gave me people who could handle me. I learnt that.

I lost friends. I gained more. I never thought it’d be possible to make new friends after a point- I was wrong.

I learnt how to give. Unselfishly. Proudly. I learnt that there is so much kindness in this world. In all the hate- there is also so much good. We should focus on that more.

I learnt about pain. I learnt that physical pain can be as debilitating as mental pain. And that they both need you to do the work to recover. Recovery is about you learning to take care of yourself.

I learnt in all my humour , I am also dark. In all my commercialisation, I am also art. In my madness there is sense. In my wild-child side, there’s a homebody.

Thank you for teaching me so much 2014. You were an education- hard and filled with examinations like school!

I’m now waiting for the college years 🙂 wild and with great parties … To 2015!

Silent Tears

Disclaimer-: Sorry for the self absorbed , soppy post…I needed to write and needed to vent and needed to process…this is my personal diary and my outlet for me to remember what happens in my life- good or bad!

All is fine. And all else will be… I’m positive.

 

I cry when you disregard my opinions or walk past me pretending I don’t exist.

I cry when you are rude to me and you didn’t even know it…because that’s how self absorbed you are.

I cry when I’m so tired but need to go on and on and on without a complaint.

I cry when I’m being forced in to a corner with nowhere to escape.

I cry when I’m so scared , I’ve dried up inside.

I cry when I hear of rape and pain and injustice and people who died.

I cry when I hear of the submariners who died…alone in the cold of the night.

I cry when I am diagnosed with something so scary and can’t even process the fear…

I cry. I cry. I cry.

All silent tears.

And yet when you meet me…I smile… because that’s who I am.

The face that I put on

So the writing has been irregular because i’ve just not felt well enough… With ‘The Verdict’ premiere just ’round the corner, it’s been rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal! But that’s not been what has kept me from writing….it’s just incredible and scary new life lessons I have had to learn.

  1. Everyone is an actor. Most people are 2, 3 or 4 faced…they say one thing to you, one to another and something else to a third! And it comes to them more naturally than it does for most trained actors! I was untrusting , as a person, before, but now I don’t even believe you when you give me your word or write it down!
  2. Class does not come from how much money you possess or what you wear… it’s ingrained in your value system, your thoughts and your beliefs. You can’t buy class- not even with all the money in the world.
  3. I care about myself! Every individual sole focus is themselves- NOT you! Your world might collapse…. but they will only worry if the ground under them move… else you are just extra noise…
  4. Just because I’m nice to you …doesn’t mean I’m your friend. It doesn’t even mean that i like you… People will say one thing and do exactly what they feel like. Most people can never more than acquaintances- passing breezes…!
  5. And last but not least- NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR FAMILY. When everything collapses around you, when you don’t have the will to get up and still fight to retain the ‘I don’t need help’ attitude- they are the ones who will help you when you push them away. They are the ones who make you stronger and they are the ones who make you believe in the power and strength of unconditional love.

And thru all the madness and all the ill health, I have smiled through pain and gritted teeth because of the strength my family gives to me. I didn’t ask for it. I pushed them away. I yelled at them for treating me like I was unwell and they smiled indulgently and bought me cake. When I had hours of work left, they took me kicking and screaming out to lunch. When I pulled an all-nighter and was continuing thru the day- they dragged me to bed.

The reason ‘The Verdict’ will be a success is thanks to my family.

They saw thru my smile. they saw thru my ‘I’m fine.’ They love me enough to take me tantrums and all and listen to my fears, put band-aids on the hurt and prop me up to make me the smiling person the world sees every day.

It is thanks to them- you can never tell the face that I put on.

 

Changing my Perspective

When friends ask me why I keep working when I’m sick or have horrendous pain because of a Multiple Sclerosis triggered attack, I never had much of an answer, except that I’m a workaholic and a bit nuts… But then I thought about it a bit and I realised that when I was sick and unable to move I missed moving, working and living so much that I made a vow to myself that i was never going to let another day pass me by where I didn’t try and do everything, every single thing that I could do!

It’s all about perspective!

Think about it… when you were awoken too early… or just woke up too early in the morning; someone somewhere is never going to get the morning you just woke up to; someone somewhere is going to hope that they have another morning left; someone somewhere is going to wish someone they cared about actually woke up this morning!

When you have a bad day at work…Think about it- you HAVE work. Millions are jobless, on their last few rupees/ dollars, have mortgaged their homes, their lives , are ready to do anything just to have even a bad day at WORK, because they WANT to WORK!

A nagging wife wants you back home, that’s cause for annoyance except when you think of the many, many people out there wishing they’d find love, who’d trade their lives with yours in a heartbeat just to get rid of the loneliness…

And then there’s the terrible leg pain… and you have to think of the hundreds and thousands of amputees who have no legs….who’d give anything just to feel a cramp or a leg ache again!

A delayed contract, a painful break up, even a critical parent- it just means you have a job and may soon get a contract; you were with the wrong person, but you learnt how to love; someone believes you can be better than who you are today and they love you!

It’s all about perspective…!

Have a POSITIVELY great week ahead!