My Harshest Self

And with Multiple sclerosis , the mood swings for me are a bit intense. It doesn’t help that I’m a Gemini- Taurus cusp or that I have a steroid producing brain tumour or that I’m plain nuts… but I do seem to have really low lows. The plus is that I am logical enough to know it’s temporary and fixable. The minus is more often than not I’m not sure how to do that and get frustrated with myself for not knowing how to!

And then I think about the number of times we’ve had flaws pointed out in our Bffs by others and how fiercely we’ve stood by and protected them! They are not flaws, we insist; merely traits that make them more unique, more special and more loved.

What if we were to apply the same rules to ourselves?

So when we are meeting an indecisive client who doesn’t see the amount of effort it took us to create something special and we’re feeling low, instead of blaming ourselves for not realising that the work we’ve done won”t be immediately appreciated or faulting ourselves when the work out we’ve been killing ourselves with doesn’t give us the results we need today- we should love ourselves- much like the Bff who doesn’t always return calls or the one who is perennially late. We know that good things come to those who wait for them… why don’t we allow ourselves the same indulgence?

Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we give everyone around us a break except ourselves?

And it’s almost with pride that we say that ‘we are our harshest critic!’ Isn’t that sad? Shouldn’t we instead be our biggest fan? Cos if we were friends with ourselves , we’d actually think that we’re pretty darn amazing! Why shouldn’t we allow ourselves to be proud of who we are?

So I’m gonna start- I am absolutely nuts on one hand and supremely focused on the other- that makes me fabulous to hang out with, never short of conversation or gossip! I’m insanely driven and I’m fiercely protective and loyal. I am a fighter having fought MS and fighting it every day and that makes me pretty amazing! I would choose a friend with all of these qualities. So today and forever I choose me!

P.s.-: We have enough people in the world who’d like to pull us down…. there’s no point joining them. They don’t need the help!

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Goodbye…(To all those people and experiences who I’ve said goodbye to)

say-goodbye-french1

I really hate goodbye
They make me sad , I hate to cry
I question God and ask him why
I really hate goodbye

I don’t think it’s fair to let you go
My heart aches but I won’t say so
You made my life a better place
Without you there’s a huge empty space

My life has changed so many times
There’ve been ups and downs , diamonds and grime
And I’m not ready to change it all over again
But then again life doesn’t go to plan never tells me when

And so I hate goodbye or even see you soon
To me farewells make a person seem further than the moon
And so I mask my pain and hide my tears
I forget the love , hide all my fears

So goodbye my friend
This is the end
Of how we were and what we had been
It may seem final but that’s how it seems

I will always remember how we laughed and cried
Remember even when the sadness has died
And so I move on and love again and again
And the cycle repeats and I cry again

I really hate goodbye.

 

…and so there was no bread-( my weekend romance!)

the weekend started with the usual ,” where should we go? “, “where should we eat?” debates…i mean a week of home food, no sugar and plenty of exercise makes weekends THE MOST sought after days ever! this weekend was different…it was the weekend before my fifth anniversary. Now aditya and i make it a point to never be in town thru anniversaries…anniversary’s we believe, is about re-connecting, chatting, long walks, laughing, exploring new cities and eating at fabulous new ‘undiscovered’ gems! in my past anniversary’s i have swum with sharks, jumped off a plane and gone on the world’s fastest roller-coaster thereby shifting a disc on my back!

this anniversary we wouldn’t be going anywhere…anand my cousin has his wedding coming up and the family leaves for kerala on my anniversary (i.e. tomorrow) and we are stuck in mumbai, looking after my puppy ,cookie!

this is the back story.

naturally my parents were guilt-ridden about leaving on our anniversary and spent the last week convincing us that they definitely needed to take us out for lunch, brunch, dinner or anything we were up for….

so the weekend started with the lunch with the parents…the lunch was fun and we were getting ready to go back home when ‘the bread story’ began.

my mom needed bread and since we were dropping her home -could we go past the taj where my sister had chosen and left out some bread for her…my sister is director pr at the taj and my mom said that since it had been kept out for her-would it be too much of an inconvenience if we swung by the Taj.

naturally i said ofcourse we’d swing by and it would be no trouble at all…

i doubt the president of India has as much security as the Taj does and so naturally we couldn’t find parking….i was okay with this…since it seemed only a job that would take less than a minute or so- till aditya piped in- he wanted bread too and would it be a problem if i went and got some for him.

i was cross…relaxing in the car after a heavy lunch; i was quite content to go back home, watch a couple of tv shows and crash….my idea of the perfect weekend day; but aditya was insistent. i offered to man the car while he rushed in but that was vetoed by him and so quite crossly i went in to the taj with my parents and speed-stomping my way to la pattisiere.

halfway down the corridor…i heard ‘ divya’ and some more shouting saying ‘come back’ and went back towards the Taj palace reception where i was greeted by a smiling taj receptionist who prompty proceeded to garland me and wished me ‘happy anniversary.’ despite her being a few days early, i chose to smile and not correct her because that might take a bit of time and i was rushing to get aditya’s bread. this must have been a cheesy but very sweet joke on aditya’s and my sister’s part i thought…so i strutted off again with a renewed sense of urgency!

once again i was stopped and told that bread was not necessary…it WAS all part of a plan that aditya and my sister had worked out— but there was more…and aditya was on his way to tell us what was next!

aditya came in and was greeted with garlands and a tikka and behind him i saw an overnight bag packed and ready. we were checking in! even if just for a night…he wanted to ensure that we had our 5th anniversary and created an almost exact replica of when we first came to the taj after our wedding….

nikhila, my sister had upgraded us to the dolphin suite which was luxurious in every way and within minutes we were changed and at the pool    replicating our first stay after marriage at the Taj!

how my control freak self did not see luggage packed in my car or notice the swimsuit/ night clothes missing , i’ll never know… my only excuse is that on any day i’m not a morning person and more so on weekends !

how my husband still managed to surprise me 5 years into a marriage is still amazing…

and the weekend was even more incredible than i ever imagined…the first time ’round i was living for the first time with my best friend…i was still trying to get this ‘marriage thing’ right… now 5 years later- i still get the ‘marriage thing’ wrong. i shout and scream and don’t say the right things all the time or sometimes any time at all- but i’m still with my best friend and if it’s possible….i love him more!

 

here’s to forever baby…