With unimaginable pain …

And as the steroids ended and my body struggled to fix itself I understood what pain and starting over truly felt like.

Steroids made me relearn how easy it is to take our body for granted. The simplest thing like taking a straight step became a chore and my body hurt in places I didn’t know could hurt at all.

But with that came respect. I began re learning movement, the joy of getting one step right– I can do about 5 now and the absolute joy of even one second of no pain.

It also made me re look at where I was and who I wanted to be and I realised with great joy that I had become the person I’d dreamed of becoming… the person in ‘if (by Rudyard Kipling)’ who learns to start over without a moment’s hesitation, who keeps on going and who is inspirational. And I was proud.

In life we all get our own personal struggles, it’s how we deal that makes us the people we are.

The weekend had 2 blocked veins – I equate it to 2 long client meetings. I had so much pain… I equate that to crazy work stress that we all often deal with. And I had sleepless , painful nights that I compare to the delays we face in work done and appreciation received.

And then I got the flu on a day we had a long, much awaited for Client meeting and woke up in a personal hell of pain and sickness. I put my ego aside and asked for help and with the strength that can only come from family (i.e. Mom), I was able to semi-recover and power on to a fabulous and rewarding day.

We all have a choice- every day, to either get up and roll with the punches or go to sleep and wait for another day. The new day may be brighter or duller- but a dull day can always become bright- it’s up to you to wake up and do the best you can with it.

We don’t get just one chance to make the day a better day. We get numerous chances. So why waste it? I was told numerous times I was doing too much and needed to recover and much as I agreed… I knew I was also getting a second chance at making things right and doing things over and re-learning.

And as much as every day hurt, I would have hurt more if I hadn’t tried.

So I get up and fight another day knowing that the world and my life is worth fighting for, knowing that it’s both the ups and downs that makes life worthwhile…and it’s because of the downs that the ups are even more special.

And so I’m off to a party filled weekend with tons of laughter and joy knowing that this will drown out the fuzziness and pain and illness and even happier that I have another day to recognise the power and awesomeness of the life we get to live.

P.s. (Palat says)-: It shouldn’t take illness or pain or steroids to learn to value all that we have… but sometimes its a good push in the right direction.

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Sometimes we all need steroids…

It was a leap of faith- this was what the entire week seemed focussed on. On Tuesday I was told that in all likelihood my MRIs were false negatives and I would need to be put on to an immediate dosage of steroids! This is the first time this has happened since 2005 and naturally I was extremely worried about this. Another attack of multiple sclerosis seemed overwhelming not just for me but for my whole family. Wouldn’t I get better naturally? The pain has been worsening for over 6 months now and has been really bad for more than a few years and now I was walking like the Leaning tower of Pisa (if it could walk); so may be I should trust the good doctor’s expertise and take the leap of faith by taking treatment no matter how scary it seemed.

Sometimes you have to trust yourself and the people around you.

It seemed like I needed a bit more than faith and chocolate ice cream when the Nurse who came home couldn’t find my veins .She did try in three injection points and I held on to faith till she twisted the needle so hard it hit a nerve and I just saw black all around.

Must I actually do this? I asked Aditya as we now then decided to do this at the hospital. ‘Well, if you want to feel better, it’s the only way- ‘ he said. So the 5 days started and well I’m going to hope the pain is better and the walk a little straighter. I am going to feel better. I will. I have to.

A friend dropped in, having given up a steady job , he seemed worried about reactions around him.

He’d lost joy.

I know sometimes that (joy) seems such an elusive concept, but I do believe that we all have the power to search , nay the responsibility to find our joy. It is only when we know how to find joy can we truly live our best lives. It is only if you know how to be joyous , that you can truly inspire and give happiness. Responsibilities must be fulfilled but it should never be at the cost of joy. This world can be such an incredible place, it is up to us to find at least one thing that brings us happiness/joy every day.

I used to make that a task every day because I didn’t know how to find it! Now I do this out of habit. There’s always at least a few moments that give me absolute joy, if not more every day and it also keeps me grateful.

Just FYI it’s Masterchef and trashy TV shows that keep me happy thru the hour long injection… see even in that there can be joy.

P.s. (Palat says)-: The leap of faith can be terrifying… much like when I jumped off a plane to sky dive… but its only when you jump that you truly experience freedom and complete joy.

The Big Fight

They call Life – the ‘rat-race!’ They call Life-‘a fight’; ‘a struggle!’ They glorify fighting for what you believe in and sometimes in all the madness of fighting, you forget what you’re fighting for.

They tell you that you must ‘Fight for love’ and Fight for your dream’ and then ‘Fight to stay alive and afloat!’ And they forget that in the midst of all this fighting, it stops becoming fun and just becomes something you keep doing- pushing your head against an endless wall of pain because that’s what you’ve been conditioned to.

We’re not taught to believe. We’re taught to FIGHT to believe. We’re not taught to love. We’re taught to FIGHT for love. We’re not taught to succeed . We’re taught to FIGHT to succeed.

And then they wonder where all this aggression and anger comes from. Soldiers fight a war at the borders. We fight a war with ourselves every day. We’ve taken out the fun in life, love, relationships, beliefs and friendships… it’s a war and apparently we HAVE TO WIN! Life’s not about the fun of competition or the joy of the experience- it’s a war and you have to fight to stay alive!

Right from childhood , you are taught to fight- fight hard, even fight dirty. This is ingrained in school , at home and even in sports. We don’t spend the same time spending people to respect, to love, to acknowledge, to see… that’s all a waste of time! And so our aggression is fine tuned till it’s almost inherent in every cell of our bodies.

Well I’m tired. I’m out. I’m out of the fight.

This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop working or achieving- this just means I’m going to have fun doing it! I’m not fighting you, I’m too busy propping myself up…I’m too busy ENCOURAGING ME TO BE ME… and I’m not going to fight you because that war is not worth my energy or my time!

I’m done. I win! :)… guess the conditioning takes a while longer to rub off!

 

When the going gets tough!

So every day isn’t your best day… every day may not be a day you are proud of…it may not be a day you care to remember…it may even be a day you can’t stop the tears.

And as the rain pours and the economy sinks , days become darker and so do outlooks and in between all of this sometimes it’s hard to keep up that cheery disposition; so I have a new theory. I celebrate the wins AND NOW I CELEBRATE the losses as well! Well not celebrate… but I go out and thank God that the hurt is over, thank God that the loss has been felt and then allow myself the POWER TO GO ON and LOOK FORWARD.

Every day is not going to be amazing but our outlook can be. So what if you face rejection, humiliation and hurt- there are days where you also feel validated, loved and empowered. And like every day’s newspaper- yesterday’s news, is just yesterday’s news…! so YESTERDAY’S BLUES SHOULD REMAIN YESTERDAY’S BLUES!

Nothing in life works to a plan…that’s the joy,the journey and the fun…so strap up you are in for a hell of a ride! Why not end a scary roller-coaster or a terrible scare in the ‘haunted house’ of life with an ice cream?

..also always remember YOU ARE BLESSED…. somewhere someone is having a rougher day than you and they may not have the strength that you have. So pat yourself on the back and GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!

 

Why?

 

Why is life not the way we want it to be?

There is too much to do…too little time…

Too much time…too little joy,

Too many people, too few friends,

Small beginnings, dramatic ends!

 

To wait, to see, to wander, to be,

To live, to breathe, to touch, to feel,

To cry, to hurt, to pain,to grieve,

To dream, to want, to forget, to leave.

 

Why can’t today be tomorrow and yesterday be today,

Why can’t we take back what we never did say?

Why are you here, yet so far away?

Why did it take so long for me to understand?

That life is but a charcoal sketch

It’s the colours we add that make it grand.