Where Am I now?

So yesterday while watching the deviously delightful ‘Lucifer’ on Netflix I asked the husband the existential question- “do you think God has a plan for all of us…” He answered in the affirmative- more of a grunt, because I had obviously disturbed his ‘serial-watching- while reading football news on twitter’ evening with a far too serious question…

That got me thinking- not about the highly distracted way my husband watches Tv, but if there is really a plan; then are we really at the place where supposed to be?

I wondered , whether I should be or could be doing more?

Should I be richer, smarted, stronger, fitter?

Should I have made better choices, better friends, better decisions?

Are any of those choices actually in my own hands?

Taking a few seconds, I rethought my whole life and all the ‘choices’ I had made and wondered if I’d do it all differently.

Maybe I would.

But then again, understanding that I am a product of all those choices; and I have had an interesting full life- full of love and drama, pain and joy, happiness and sorrow – I realised that it’s been a good journey… I mean , if my life were a film; I think we’d have quite a good audience including me…

So if God truly does have a plan for all of us then he’s a pretty great script writer… because he ensures that no 2 scripts (lives) are the same…

Also it seems a comforting feeling to know that, even when I’m a bit lost; someone knows the way home for me…

Second wind!

And before you realise it, you’re already in the middle of the first month… New year is over. The lovely bubble of the Christmas season has burst and you’re already bogged down with the routine, you swore you’d never go back to!

New year resolutions are finding their way back in to the box they came in and the enthusiasm for the new year and the new start you swore you’d have is quickly fizzling out!

Now is where you need that second wind and so this week is going to be where I re-plan my year, re-get my enthusiasm back (even if it’s a bit forced) and give my self a break! The year’s started and this is a marathon… not a sprint… so I’m going to have to keep pacing myself, if I want this year to matter!

There is so much of my life , I don’t recall prior to my illness. There is so much of my life I wish I could have spent more time on being happy about…

Today is a day that you can choose what you do with! Much like choosing ice cream, I can choose the flavour my day takes on and just knowing that gives me the power to do another week!

P.s-: the ridiculous food plan is in Week 3 and I’m seeming healthier (so that’s a win!

Let’s win this week!

My #TenYearChallenge

The #TenYearChallenge got me thinking- not of how I looked back then… With the correct filters , most people looked better, hotter and (though absolutely unbelievable) even younger in their current pic; but about who I was back then, what I believed in, what I wanted and how who I have become would measure up.

In 2009, I didn’t know I had Multiple Sclerosis or the tumour. I guess I would have found out at some point. But with less pain ,I do believe I was happier… but today I am more grateful. I take life less for granted.

In 2009, I was a dreamer… I dreamt and dreams came true… Today I am more of a do-er and dreams that would have been beyond the realm of my 2009 year old self, are all coming true!

In 2009, I wrote, directed and produced 2611- A Personal War and started on a multi continent showing of a play that would change my life. It was the first time I wrote my heart out and I learnt confidence. In 2019, I write now – all the time, content that makes me proud, has my voice…and I think my 2009 self would be pretty impressed!

In 2009,I wanted. In 2019, I give.

In 2009, I was one. In 2019 I am a team.

In 2009, Cookie taught me love. In 2019 , I now know how to love Magic.

In 2009, I asked. In 2019 I am grateful.

So yes… there have been changes, and I do believe progress… hair colour changes from red to blue, wardrobe improvements but most of all self improvement and that I believe is a win, win, win!

Onwards to the next #TenYearChallenge

Starting Anew

So the resolutions started and I made a few that I think I can keep.

This year, I’m making ME my priority.

After a failed set of blood tests— yes the nerd in me still can’t get over the fact that these are tests I cannot study for, hence fix; I decided-: My life=My health= Me!

Change can only happen if you want it to !It can’t happen if you are not ready to make the change… so after years of letting other people tell me what they think I should do, or what could make a difference- I did the research and change has started. It will be slow. It is painful. But I’m going to power on!

Next resolution was to invest in relationships…it’s about taking the time to make a difference in someone else’s life and allowing them to make a difference in yours… So I’m spending more quality time with the people I love, meeting a few I did love once and seeing how I can get that magic back and just realising that the world is so much better when you actually connect.

December was a fun month of meetings and parties; connections and disconnections (from staring at a screen) and I had the most fun I’d had! We spend so much time connecting at the end of the year… I’ve decided to make this more of a year long feature… So here’s to late nights, bleary eyes and lots of laughter!

I also bought a planner… now for someone who prides herself on her Organisational skills, this could have been a bit much… But with the diary allowing me to focus on sticking with my plans and even giving me the freedom to make new plans.. I’m having fun!

I know… this is just Week 1… there’s another 51 to go…

But like I always say… you gotta start somewhere… and I just did!

2018

To sum 2018 up in a post would be impossible… the year had so much happening… it was often hard to comprehend all that happened in a week , forget in a year.

Lessons were taught. Lessons were learnt. Wins were savoured and enjoyed. Losses were analysed and made peace with. And days rolled on faster than they had ever rolled on before!

But if I were to take away one thing from 2018 is that this year I learnt to be grateful. Grateful for all I have been given, grateful for all I was getting, about to receive and even the things I didn’t receive. I was grateful to be in a position to be allowed to win, allowed to lose, and allowed, just to compete.

And as I saw the wins the Universe gave me and stopped comparing the wins of others with my life ; I realised I could keep getting and keep winning and most of all keep enjoying the journey.

More often than not, it’s not that life is a rat race; it’s that we pretend that we are rats! We’re not. The race isn’t hard if you are just racing or in my case taking a brisk walk with yourself, rather than looking over your shoulder and checking what everyone else is up to!

I’m not saying losses won‘t be hard and life will be easy… all I’m saying is that now I look upon things as opportunities and sure, you might miss a few, but the fact is you get the chance to learn something from everything and everyone and that is something you must be grateful for.

So to those who loved me and those who couldn’t- thank you- I learnt something from both of you!

For the jobs I won and those that slipped by- thank you… for considering me, for working or not working with me and for teaching me.

And to the new friends I made and those that I lost- I get/ got to learn something from each of you every day. Thank you for making me more social, kinder and more blunt (if that were even possible).

2018 has been about a lot of lessons- and I promise to keep on actively learning!

See you in the new…

Monetizing the #MeToo movement

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There must be a special place in hell for those who not only stamp all over the #MeToo movement , but think it’s okay to monetise it!

It wasn’t just a movement … #MeToo was a cry for help, for acknowledgement, for people to take responsibility for their boorish, lecherous and downright despicable behaviour!

But much like things that take time, work, patience and see-through- we too got bored once the gossip faded away and left our very strong ‘victims’ (I use this in inverted commas because they are heroes, for telling their stories) to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and move on.

In most cases (not all) no help or support was even given to the ‘victims’, in fact they were trolled incessantly, threatened in person and online and used as click-bait for publications who wanted to score a messier detail or a more sordid story. But whereas in most cases the media was clearly on the ‘victim’s’ side they eventually stopped fighting for them, because of stronger spends by richer predators or just because the world continued moving , as did news, and well, these stories were clearly not progressing.

So just as these horrors became yesterday’s news (quite literally); you now see the arrival of the ‘liberators’ of the ‘predators!’ These are the people determined to change the news cycle and ensure that these predatory crapholes get a new lease of life… They’ll put them back in to a position of power , because well their reputation has been ‘ruined.’ Forget about the scores of ‘victims’ they abused, molested or even raped! Surely ‘these people’ need to be allowed to come back to society.

And so I question -why!?

Why should they not be punished? Why should I welcome or even care about them? Why should I allow their hideous bodies to crawl out of the hole they have been hiding in… and more importantly- who am I to allow them to do any of this!!!??????

If a thief steals from you- he goes to prison- that’s his rehabilitation.

If a rapist rapes- he’s in prison or hung.

These people got away with stealing self worth, molestation and rape so many times and there are people who are concerned that a 5 week break from civilised society has been too hard on them!!!!!!!

Seriously.

Maybe the #MeToo stories have stopped for now. But let’s not make a mockery of something that should be basic to any society.

Let’s uphold some of the ‘victim’s’ dignity.

After all it may be ‘#YouToo’ next. And wouldn’t you hope for the perpetrators to at least be held accountable!

They can’t take back what they did. But let’s not throw away basic accountability!

 

 

Goodbye…(To all those people and experiences who I’ve said goodbye to)

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I really hate goodbye
They make me sad , I hate to cry
I question God and ask him why
I really hate goodbye

I don’t think it’s fair to let you go
My heart aches but I won’t say so
You made my life a better place
Without you there’s a huge empty space

My life has changed so many times
There’ve been ups and downs , diamonds and grime
And I’m not ready to change it all over again
But then again life doesn’t go to plan never tells me when

And so I hate goodbye or even see you soon
To me farewells make a person seem further than the moon
And so I mask my pain and hide my tears
I forget the love , hide all my fears

So goodbye my friend
This is the end
Of how we were and what we had been
It may seem final but that’s how it seems

I will always remember how we laughed and cried
Remember even when the sadness has died
And so I move on and love again and again
And the cycle repeats and I cry again

I really hate goodbye.

 

Achievements

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So the last few days I have been thinking about so many things…top of the list– achievements and what do they mean? What is an achievement ? Does the finish line keep going further and further away … or at one point do you look back and say… “I did that!”

Is the joy in the journey of the achievement or is their joy in the actual action of it? And must we look at the different levels as we achieve them and cross them and savour those moments too…

When chatting with a group of fabulous achievers, we got to sharing war stories… What we’d done, how we’d done it and what the journey taught us… It was when reminiscing, I was so proud to be able to look back and some of the things in my rear view mirror and just enjoy the accomplishment! I realised more often than not, we move from target to target; goal to goal- we never really savour the feeling of having reached somewhere. I also learned that in all the madness and the drama of the continuous need to achieve , may be it isn’t so bad to stop and be proud of how far we’ve come and what we’ve done!

I’ll keep on aiming for new heights, keep on traveling through uncharted territories, keep on pushing myself to be more, do more, seek more- but through this conversation, I was proud to have felt that some of my goals, had been crossed, achieved and crushed! And I made it! Not all of it! But some things have been achieved and I did it! Yay me!

You don’t do my life and I don’t do yours. Really?

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So over the last few months I’ve become acutely aware of how similar , yet completely different each one of us is! Each of has our own drama, our own stresses and our own life story, completely unique but to listen to someone elses’ drama , you realise that you are not alone… the similarities, the tensions, the worries and the joys for each one of us is so intricate, unique and yet so inter-related it’s almost laughable.

Each one of us deserves empathy.

The stressed out over achiever is probably living out someone elses’ dreams. The hypochondriac may seek attention/ love which they are not getting elsewhere. The alcoholic/ over eater might be dealing with pain/ stress / sadness/ depression…. you never know till you listen…

We all go thru life alone… but when you start looking around, listening or feeling you’ll realise we all have more in common than we realise.

It’s been a long , cranky Wednesday for me… But then it’s been no walk in the park for a lot of you either I’m sure! Don’t worry! It’ll get better… I believe… so in the spirit of this post, I guess, so should you!