The ‘Perfect’ storm

This weekend I had a realisation– more often than not , while we’re so busy trying to be perfect and appear flawless…we sometimes put on the same front for ourselves. Appearing ‘perfect’ for someone else is fine, but conning yourself into believing that all is well, is delusional, silly and can be downright harmful.

In my life, I’ve always tried to appear the trooper, someone totally in control and someone who needs little to no help. And sometimes, especially on the difficult days I have my guard up so high, I almost believe it. But the week had been long and tiring and the weekend came as a welcome respite and for the first time in a long time, I was truly honest with myself – about my fears, the pain, my negative habits and the mean voices in my head. And as I talked about them with the husband, who, is my biggest confidante, my best friend and long time sufferer of me :); I became calmer and stronger and less afraid.

We build walls around us to mask who we truly are because we feel the world won’t like us and then over time, some times we forget who we truly are behind those very high walls. And it may take more than a few moments for you to find out who you really are, flaws and all; once the mask is removed. But every so often it’s important you do that, and lay yourself bare, if not for someone else, but at least for yourself. It is the most incredibly cathartic, terrifying and completely freeing thing you will ever do.

This weekend was long, scary and wonderful for me.

It opened me up to a week where I start to build my walls all over again, but I’ve decided to acknowledge the walls this time, acknowledge that I’m building up a shield , so that may be I can keep a small door open at the side, to allow me to still know and recognise and most importantly love my true self.

P.s.(Palat says)-: There will always be those that judge you… don’t stand behind them in line…Find your own cheerleader and if that’s hard to find then be your personal cheerleader!

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Kill Cruella!

I have always been rather self destructive. My parents remember this well, when I got myself in trouble when they were in the midst of shouting at my sister for something she had done and I would suddenly point out something I had done which was worse.

But cute as that seemed as I grew older, I got even more destructive. The critical little voice in my head was almost a shout and I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worthy enough. And so I hurt myself, I had terrible bouts of anxiety and stress. I was depressed at times and was easily swayed into believing that I was lucky to get anything because I obviously didn’t deserve it.

And when I got sick (multiple sclerosis), this became even worse. Now I was living proof of someone who may never be pretty enough, smart enough or worthy of anything- but something switched inside me. I was stuck so long listening to this evil shouting voice, I never took the time to hear the softer, more encouraging voice in my head. And when I did take the time, and since in the hospital ,I did have just time- I started hearing the voice that told me to believe.

It’s the voice that tells you that ‘you can be more, you can do more and that you are better than you think you are.’ It’s the voice that tells you to believe in yourself and that you are ready for the meeting, for the interview and even to take over the world! It’s the voice that tells you that your body- in pain, fit or unfit- is amazing because it’s yours. It’s the voice that tells you every day can be amazing because you are part of it.

And once you listen to this voice , the evil one becomes softer and slowly becomes non existent, if you work hard enough.

Initially and even sometimes now, when I hear Cruella (yup she has a name) popping up with her fears and doubts in me… I loudly proclaim how sure , how positive and how amazing I am so that Miss D (yup she has a name too) gets the strength to go louder than ever!

P.s.(Palat says)-: How successful you are will often be a direct relation to how much you believe in you. Don’t look for the applause from outside. Be proud to be your biggest cheerleader.